the old me hates who I've become

When I first came to Vienna, I didn't care what the people in VIS thought. In fact, I cared very little of them because to me, I was only physically present in Vienna but my heart was elsewhere. I didn't care about boys here, popularity, just getting through school as fast as I could so I can get home quicker and catch my Malaysian friends online.

In Grade 8, I settled nicely with a close group of friends. It felt nice. I was accepted. I was happy. At least I knew, everywhere I went I had a friend that'd choose to sit next to me. That'd choose to have lunch with me. It was very comfortable and I tried very hard to maintain that. I didn't really care about any other kids in school other than those 5 girls. They were my girls.

Then in Grade 9, I learned new people. Changed perspectives. I realized that there were more people out there. And I wanted to know them. This is where my obsession with being social, having a lot of friends and being more than just socially accepted, but socially embraced started. When you get a taste of how it feels, you can't help but want more. And I wanted more.

Suddenly social standing became one of my biggest priorities. I wanted to be the girl every girl got jealous of and I wanted to be the girl every guy would have a crush on and just be liked by anyone and everyone.

I was so obsessed with this that I'd get jealous by everyone.  By my own friends. I hated them. I hated them for making me hate myself. Why were people more genetically blessed? Why were people just born more open? Or why did I grow up in Malaysia where people were mostly socially awkward? Why was I disadvantaged? Why am I so fucking awkward? And it would go on and on and on and on.

Until now, I haven't quite gotten over it. This is all due to my insecurities. My disability to like my own self. My reliance on other people to make me happy. And eventually it made me a horrible person. Even I don't like who I've become now. I get moments when I hate my friends, little comments get me worked up. I've basically become a bitch. And I hate it.

So now I've decided that popularity doesn't matter. Boys don't matter. I'm just going to focus on fixing myself.