three wishes

1. never moved to vienna
2. never had friends
3. never owned a TV, computer

by never moving to vienna, a lot of my problems would be solved right now. my parents would probably be... well. whatever, i won't go into that. i wouldn't have to be dealing with stupid people here who are all shallow and superficial. the weather wouldn't have to be so fucking cold. i wouldn't feel the need to achieve. i'd just slack off and be happy about it.

by never having friends, i wouldn't have to face the self-esteem issues i do now. i wouldn't need to be envious every single day of my life. i wouldn't need to compare myself to anyone. i wouldn't need to feel bad about the way i feel. or think. whatever.

never owning a TV and computer would eliminate these unrealistic ideas i have about life. they're all so idealistic. and when they don't happen, when things don't go my way, i am extremely disappointed. if i never went to other side, i wouldn't know how much greener it is, you see? living life ignorantly is so much better. i'd rather be in my own little bubble. untainted. untouched.

but good things don't happen to me so i can wish on every 11:11, shooting star, fallen eyelash and hold my breath each time i pass a tunnel. or even pray at night... and none of it would work out. none of it woud happen. none of it comes true. and i'd like to think that shit happens so i can notice when good things do happen to me. but that's a bullshit excuse. i've waited for so long and nothing happens. nada.

so i don't even know why i bother. i can't go back because i have nothing to go back to. and the only person i want to be with is far away. with someone else. happy. it's not like he can support me or anything. he's got his own education to pay for, a wife to provide for. and all that ugly adult stuff. i missed the times when he was just as carefree as i was. when after school, he could bring me to the movies randomly. or when i fell from my bike, he'd pick me up, get a band-aid and then take me out for ice cream. i miss my brother. i miss my brother so much.